There's a limit to the amount of moving/forcing my brain around I can do, especially if I'm in a situation where I am cooking and cleaning for myself, dressing myself, and making some of my own schedule (you can call these transition problems, inertia, executive function problems, weak central coherence, and many other overlapping things). And there's a limit to the amount of anxiety I can endure (I experience anxiety about many many things, including changes in routine, noise, lots of social situations although not the kind you think, and about the brain problems in general).
I'm a person. Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I have to feel safe. Sometimes I have to do things that feel really good. But due to anxiety and transition problems, it is hard to know if I will ever get out of doing something that feels good, once I start.
I'm very afraid that it won't ever be safe for me to live on my own, and also that I'll never be able to be a parent and that the kinds of jobs I'll be able to do are somewhat limited. Even a year and a half ago, I didn't understand all this about myself--how much stuff I can't do consistently. (I almost think it would be easier if it was things I straight-up couldn't ever do, but that's not it. It makes it harder to explain, and it makes it harder to forgive myself when I fail because I know I've done it before for very brief periods.)
When people say I'm high-functioning I want to cry and then punch their lights out.
The end.
Thank you for writing this, Amanda.
ReplyDeleteThere's only so many ways someone can say "I didn't do it because I couldn't bring myself to do it" without sounding lazy. In the end, though, that's pretty much what it comes down to.
The frustrating thing is that I know I'm not lazy. I look at my peers and I'm one of the hardest working people I know. I volunteer for more tasks and I work through those tasks and sometimes those things take hours and hours and hours every single week but the truth of the matter is overworking myself is one of the only ways that I'm able to convince myself that I'm hard working.
I'm not lazy but it's hard to convince myself of that and it's hard to forgive myself for not being able to do things that I know I could do if I "tried just a little bit harder."
I'm really glad that I do well when my bosses and my work/school environment are accommodating and set up in a way that I'm able to navigate.
As for being a parent, I sincerely feel that the most important qualification for being a good mother is the love and caring that you can bring. It's not like most parents are really qualified when they first have children but I feel that it is this love and caring that makes the difference. Besides, parenting should never be something that one has to do alone, right?
I'm not doing so well myself these days. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteI understand completely what you mean, and I'm sorry you're going through this.
ReplyDeleteIf it helps, not being able to live on your own isn't a terrible curse. I don't think I could live on my own. I don't have a job, and I'm bad at remembering to pay my bills. I lived with my parents until this May when I moved in with my boyfriend (now fiance). He makes sure that things are taken care of, and I have my share of responsibilities but if I'm slacking for some reason, it will always be taken care of.
In some ways it's actually easier when you're somewhat on your own to make adjustments that make life easier for you. I now have control over my own environment. It really does make a huge difference.
Hang in there. You're a wonderful person.
"When people say I'm high-functioning I want to cry and then punch their lights out."
ReplyDeleteI have had this reaction inside so many times. I can relate to this post so much. You are absolutely not alone in these things.