cassie ainsworth & redemption rejection

this is just some Skins gibbering, mostly character- and not plot-based, which I think is interesting in terms of ideas of covering (or "disability redemption").



me: that was me being a bitch like oh wow but fuck you style
have I mentioned that's like my favorite line ever?
Joshua: haha, it's a good moment. I dunno Jal is being kind of patronising, and though she never deserved to be the target of evil Cassie, you can see why that would hit Cassie's angry spot!
me: like, it sort of reminds me of having to act really cute to make up for being disabled
Joshua: nice interpretation
me: that's what "oh wow but fuck you" means to me.
Joshua: and like.. even more charitable to S2 Cassie than I usually am.. which is very charitable.
me: oh I mean, I don't necessarily mean that's what she means. it's just sort of what it means to me. Like, I think she just says oh wow because she always says it, and then she gets to the actual content of what she's saying, which is fuck you. But to me like oh wow is a very important line, even though people act like it's stupid and annoying, it means something really important.
me: I remember once telling Ari that I liked working with severely disabled people because lots of the people I worked with hugged everyone they met, and for some reason I'd observed this was more common in adults than kids with similar disabilities
Joshua: like they feel they have to be like that?
me: and Ari suggested that some people are very isolated and it's like "oh wow a person! I never get to interact with a person!" He said something like, "I hope the next generation of pwds can decide that they're not particularly interested in someone or they don't like them"
I think this is interesting in terms of how Cassie is introduced in the first episode. I haven't seen it in a while, but I think she hugs tony, possibly hugs sid, and then hugs abigail--"YOU'RE SO LOVELY!!!"
the plot thickens!
then obviously throughout the season there's the constant "oh wow" and manic pixie dream girl reactions to everything--coupled with starving, suicide attempts which often seem in her cases to be engineered to hurt people or cause as much trouble as possible, and occasional moments of being pretty mean or pissed off.
me: I am sort of getting this from you because I remembered when you said that Cassie doesn't really change from s1-s2, not in a deep way.
Joshua: No she really doesn't.
me: yeah so in conclusion, the line "Oh wow, but fuck you" line means a lot to me because it's almost like Cassie sort of rejecting the things that she previously did to try to "earn" people's friendship and support.
Joshua: Cassie would not mean nearly as much to me without s2 as much as I love S1 Cassie. If she'd been left at that without the contrast of S2 she'd be a standard Manic Pixie Dream and a fairly borderline offensive idealised picture of mental illness.

surreptitiously left on a desk in Joe's classroom

Dear Cheryl (and the rest of Class Four),

Thank you a lot for letting me visit your class and be a part of Circle Time! Also, thank you for giving me the bag last week. I especially like the class picture, because I am in the middle of finals and I'm really stressed out, but when I look at the picture of Class Four it puts me in a better mood. Coming here has been one of the best parts of my week.

I have a question about Joe. I was wondering what you guys do when Joe expresses that he wants to do things. For example, the other week the kids who can walk went outside to practice for the Special Olympics, and when Joe heard the word "outside," he smiled and made a lot of noise as if he wanted to go outside. But his reaction didn't change anything and he still had to stay inside.

I'm worried because Joe seems so low-key, and I'm afraid that if no one reacts when he does express himself, he will just give up and think it isn't worth it. Of course I only see a small part of the school week, so I might have a wrong impression. But I got this impression a few times and I can't help worrying because I like Joe so much.

Sincerely,
Amanda

tl;dr: a baby triumph

So I'm sort of bad at figuring out how I feel about things, or just how things are, objectively. This is probably due to growing up with gaslighting although I also think that not being able to identify your feelings is supposed to be normal for people with ASD. Although maybe it's normal for people with ASD as a result of gaslighting. Anyway. I recently said to someone that I can never tell if I'm going too hard or too easy on myself. And that's been a major issue especially for the last term, because I've been extremely fatigued and extremely sensitive to stress, with both those things feeding into each other, combined with the fact that of course I think it's my fault for being so lazy and letting myself get away with things. That last fact means that it's really hard for me to just state that I'm having trouble and not doing things wrong on purpose. And this is tied into my general inability to speak up about anything.

One small piece of the problem is my psych class. We're allowed to take the exams on our computers, whenever we want. This sounds like it would be good, but I got so anxious about the first exam that I took it at three in the morning without being done studying, just because I wanted it to be over. I got a 28% and so, in combination with other factors that are making me tired and/or meltdowny, I'm having to freak out about doing well enough on the other exams to get my grade up to a pass.

Then my professor found out that people had cheated on the exams, and told us that from now on we'd be taking the exams in class. I found this out last week, right before the third exam, and it made everything worse. I don't know how to start explaining the problems I've had on tests and exams my whole life, but basically I find it really hard to tell what the questions are asking. It makes me stressed out enough that it takes a lot of energy to answer them at all; by now I've figured out that I should just write way too much rather than risk writing too little or writing the wrong thing, but it takes a lot of effort to get all those thoughts out.

I really enjoy the experience of typing on the kind of computer I have now (scroll up if you don't remember what kind of computer I have). I love the noise and the feel of the keys and it makes it a lot easier to get out the things I have to write because I'm getting sensory reinforcement. It's different from writing by hand and it's better than any other kind of computer I've had or used.

My Amateur Prediction of What Will Happen

I am having huge amounts of trouble tolerating any frustration or discomfort + I have trouble understanding, remembering, and talking about certain kinds of science that are covered in this class + my normal test-taking problems - the comfort of typing on my computer = total mind explosion and a grade I can't afford.

Enter two people who I really, really love.

1. Ari Ne'eman. Ari is a person I talk to a lot and a lot of the time we have the following conversation:

Amanda: An aspect of one of my classes is really difficult for me as an ASD person./Someone I know said something offensive about disabled people./I think that one of the kids with disabilities I know is having such and such problems and their teacher isn't responding to it.

Ari: You should talk to someone about that.

Amanda: I can't do that.

Ari: But

Amanda: NO

Ari: But

Amanda: NO

(change of subject)

Ari isn't trying to make me do things I don't want to do; he just has a very different way of thinking about things. Basically, he flunked learned helplessness. His first reaction to this kind of stuff is to do something, and I don't think he has this reaction on purpose, but it's ended up as a situation where I'm like a mountain being eroded by the ocean (Ari is the ocean in this simile, if you were having trouble keeping up). He's not intentionally chipping away at me, but his presence in my life gives me a different idea of how a young disabled person can react to things.

In this case the conversation went like this:

Amanda: I'm scared I'm going to fail my exam because I like taking it on the computer and I don't think I can stand it without the computer.

Ari: You should get permission to take it on the computer as an accommodation.

Amanda: How is that an accommodation?

Ari: It reduces your anxiety.

Amanda: I don't have anxiety.

Ari: Are you serious?

(Ari reminds me of some things I have done. For example, remember how I took that exam at three in the morning without being done studying. And some other things. I conclude that I possibly have anxiety.)

Then I emailed my professor asking if I could take the exam on the computer. His reply was ambiguous and I thought he might be saying no. Ari said that if it didn't work I should go to the disability services office.

2. I have been well-disposed to this professor since he handed out a form on the first day of classes asking if we had any "special needs, quirks, or homicidal tendencies." I thought this was cool because it made disability a casual, light thing that was important but not scary to disclose. Also I just think he's weird, which is good. I only go and talk to professors who are weird, because by the time things are bad enough for me to talk to professors I no longer have the ability to act like I'm not weird, and if they're not weird they can get mad at me.

So yesterday I walked into his office and said, "Is it okay if this is a meeting about me being stupid and crazy instead of a meeting about the material on the exam?"

And he said, "Yes."

And I sat down and explained that I have autism but lately I have it worse. And that I'm having--"Can you have boring panic attacks?"

"Boring panic attacks," my professor repeated with a bemused expression. "Well, if you're having them, I guess you can."

"It's like--I feel really bored and distracted but then I realize that physically I feel like I'm scared. But the main thing is, I understand if I can't take the exam on a computer but this thing happens"--and I explained about not being able to tolerate things and about how the computer makes it a little easier. I was straightforward about sometimes wanting to scream, and my professor looked pained.

"Well," he said, "then...I can drop off a copy of the exam at the psych office and you can go into another room with your computer and open up a word processing document and don't open anything else. I think you should be able to print it out in the computer lab, but if that doesn't work, email it to me."

"Is--does this make things a lot harder?"

"For you or for me?"

"I mean, for you?"

"It's a very small change," said my professor. "If it helps you--"

Chicago Style is Oppressing Me

You may recall that I sometimes use "chicago style is oppressing me" as a tag related to academic problems I have. I'm making fun of myself but I also mean it. I do think that rigid ideas about how to do things can be extremely damaging to someone like me. For example if my professor had a normal reaction to the weird thing I said when I first came into his office, that would have impaired my ability to communicate with him. Because he didn't care that much about me saying something weird, or wanting a weird accommodation, I was able to take my test in an easier way. I wasn't prepared enough for the test, and I don't think I did well, but I did a lot better than I would have if I had had to take it on paper.

I know this isn't a big deal but it's a huge deal to me. I'd like to thank Ari for making me a little different, and I'd like to thank my professor for meeting me halfway, because I'm not different enough to fight yet.