Crime and Punishment in Suburbia PART TWO

QUOTES and/or summaries of delightful incidents:

Vincent Kartheiser wears big owl glasses while giving himself a tattoo that says "por nada" while voiceovering about how he doesn't have any reason to be in love with this girl, he just is. The best part is mostly the glasses! I hope that someday a movie is made where Vincent Kartheiser wears owl glasses in every scene. I might attempt to become a producer just so this could happen.

(The girl's boyfriend understandably pretends to run Vincent Kartheiser over with his car and then jumps out of his car and starts shaking Vincent Kartheiser by his tiny, tiny shoulders.)
Vincent Kartheiser: Don't touch me unless you love me.
The girl's boyfriend: Are you some kind of faggot?
Vincent Kartheiser: Think about it--if I was, would I really tell you?
The girl's boyfriend: (although I don't think this was intentional by the writer or actor, this comes off as SUPER gay) I don't know. Maybe you want me to know. (remembers he is supposed to be straight) Just because Roseanne likes you doesn't mean you can act like this.
Vincent Kartheiser: She cares about you a lot. That's a big responsibility. You have to give her lots of love.
The girl's boyfriend: What?
Vincent Kartheiser: (all enraged and kicking his tiny feet around) FORGET IT!
The girl's boyfriend: (strangely infuriated) Forget what? You forget it! (starts beating up Vincent Kartheiser, who can't really do anything, being roughly the size of a kitten)

THE BEST SCENE
(The girl is in science class and the teacher asks her a question.)
Girl: I don't know.
Teacher: Why don't you know?
Girl: Uh...
(All of the sudden, Vincent Kartheiser bursts into the room wearing a giant wreath of garlic around his neck.)
Teacher: Excuse me, you can't just walk in here like this.
Vincent Kartheiser: I had a dream last night about evil, horrible things. I'm using this garlic garland in order to ward off the evil spirits of that dream. Do you need this? If you need it, it's yours.

(intensely, while trying to hug the girl or put the garlic on her or something) LET ME HELP YOU.
(The girl jumps up and runs out of the classroom while Vincent Kartheiser and the teacher yell her name in a bored fashion. After a minute, Vincent Kartheiser puts the garlic back on.)

Girl: Well, if there is a God or a Jesus or whatever (LOL like the two are mutually exclusive), I think He sucks.
Vincent Kartheiser: I think you expect more out of Him than I do.
Girl: Well, He sure takes shitty care of the people that believe in Him. Look at you.
Vincent Kartheiser: (attempts to snort jadedly) What do you expect me to believe in? The police?

HA HA HA HA

THE MOST HILARIOUS VOICEOVER: We kept passing motels. I wondered if she'd go into one of them with me if I asked her. But I never did. I didn't have any money anyway.

Girl: You knew.
Vincent Kartheiser: What?
Girl: You knew what I did. You knew that I...
Vincent Kartheiser: That you murdered your stepfather? Of course I knew.
(I don't think you can even imagine how great this scene is, the thing to remember is that VK is being incredibly mellow and cheerful and looking at the girl adoringly, as if they're talking about stealing a puppy from the pet store.)
Girl: You're insane.
Vincent Kartheiser: (smiling) I followed you. I took a lot of pictures that night.
Girl: Why didn't you take them to the police?
Vincent Kartheiser: Why would I take them to the police? I hate the police.
(He even sort of stutters as he is saying this because he's so confused by the idea that you might turn someone in to the police after they kill someone.)

Crime and Punishment in Suburbia

Crime and Punishment in Suburbia is one of those movies about a cheerleader who has to decide if she wants to date a football player or an edgy loner. This particular edgy loner distinguishes himself by being played by Vincent Kartheiser from Mad Men, who is my favorite actor and in my opinion the most attractive person who ever lived. The girl is really cute too, and I say this as someone who never thinks girls in movies are attractive. She's also mean, which is hot.

Unfortunately, this movie isn't content to just be an archetypical high school romance. It tries to be a modern update of the book Crime and Punishment. So, the girl's stepfather rapes her and she murders him with the help of her football player boyfriend, and then she has to deal with the guilt when her mom is accused of the crime. The problem is that whoever wrote the movie is way more into the romance storyline than they are into the rape and murder storyline, and it shows. The rape and murder just seems like it's a device to get the girl to fall in love with Vincent Kartheiser, which is sort of offensive.

Also Vincent Kartheiser basically acts like a serial killer, masturbating to pictures he surreptitiously took of the girl, giving himself tattoos in his room, and inexplicably peeling carrots for hours at a time. He's also supposed to be super moral and hopeful and preternaturally wise--which is actually sort of endearing in its incongruity, but what's the point of creating such a charmingly nonsensical character if you're going to toss him aside for long stretches of Rape Murder Guilt Plot? Come on!

A good way to watch this movie is on mute with strategically placed fast-forwarding:

















Dear filmmaker, good job hiring actors who are attractive but in the future you could let the audience enjoy that, maybe?

Preemptive movie review

So, on the plane tomorrow I'm planning on watching Crime and Punishment in Suburbia. GUESS WHAT IT'S ABOUT.



This girl has a lot of problems. And guess who fixes them? Vincent Kartheiser, that's who! He constantly follows her around taking pictures of her so he already knows what all of her problems are and he helps her kill the people she doesn't like! I'm so excited!

I also found this quote on IMDB:

Girl: What's wrong with you? Why are you always giving people a reason to laugh at you?
Vincent Kartheiser: I'm sorry, was I not fitting in?

SO GOOD!! That's right up there with "You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because you're all the same." Which was probably actually cool in 2000, when this movie came out.

By the time I can post about the movie, I'll be home. And by the time I'm home, I'll have lots of other stuff to do like talk to my parents and animals, and call my friends on the phone, and annoy A.T. when she gets home. But on the other hand, I'm really looking forward to posting about the movie because I know it's going to be amazing. So I'm just posting about it now, because how could it not be amazing? It's like, people always say that J.K. Rowling isn't that good at dialogue or plot, but her books are amazing anyway because she's so good at world-building. That is how I feel about Crime and Punishment in Suburbia, because no matter how bad it turns out to be, any world where Vincent Kartheiser stalks you and kills your enemies is a world I want to be part of. So, in advance: it's my new favorite movie. Watch it.

Sorry this blog has degenerated into being about my love for Vincent Kartheiser and other stupid stuff. I've been really depressed while I've been in the UK and the only way not to feel it was to develop some obsessions and keep myself in a manic state about them all the time. Once I get home and am able to actually calm down and read and hang out with people, etc., I'll probably only post here when I actually have something to say. Thank you for reading.