9. Mindfulness and modulation (being practiced, and not practiced, by professionals)

When I think of mindfulness and modulation, I think of floortime. When someone uses floortime, they try to engage with someone who has a disability by engaging with the things that are important to that person, like games, stims, and special interests. If the person doesn't respond to you in obvious ways, you try to get a response by acting differently, or doing something that you know will provoke a response (like picking up something they are playing with so they'll have to take it back from you). I do think reading Greenspan has been helpful for me because it gives specific examples of how to apply this philosophy, but when I hear people acting as if floortime (and its less awesome and inexplicably expensive counterpart, Son-Rise) is some kind of complicated scientific theory, I wonder how those people normally treat other people in their regular lives.

Right now I occasionally get to work with some late childhood/preteen-age kids with ASD, who don't tend to be verbal unless it's required. If I go into a room and see a bunch of kids with ASD (or a bunch of people any age with anything, actually) who are all kind of keeping to themselves and playing/looking at different things by themselves, my immediate reaction is:

1. Go stand or sit near someone but don't get super in their space
2. Maybe mumble about something or other related to what they're doing
3. Try to touch some of the things they are playing with, like if they are playing with trains, pick up a train piece they're not using and offer it to them
4. If they try to hug me or touch my hair or whatever, I try to touch their hair or tickle them or something and proceed based on whether they seem to like this
5. And so on

Once I saw two nonverbal kids with Down Syndrome playing some kind of game which consisted of standing near each other, not looking at each other, but making advances into the other's space (like sticking their arm out), then physically moving the other person's arm down. So I started sticking my arm out to see if they would let me be in the game. I don't really see how this isn't the obvious way to react in that situation.

I mean seriously, it actually makes me concerned that people think there is something weird or groundbreaking about such a basic way of relating to other people. This stuff doesn't always have some amazing effect (it definitely doesn't "cure" anything like Son-Rise claims, which is why Son-Rise is so dumb) but I have had lots of nice interactions/connections with nonverbal people who, if I was stupid enough to go up to them and ask "Hi, how are you?" and expect eye contact and a handshake, would probably strike me as not being interested in people.

It is pretty interesting, if reading other people and changing your behavior to fit them is such a basic skill for people without autism, that people need to even be told about floortime or related methods at all (and that an abnormal person like me finds it really intuitive, at least in its purest forms).

It is also interesting, although I totally admit I'm straying really far from my original "social skills don't exist" germ, to observe the lack of flexibility, compassion, or modulation in a very strict behaviorist program that discourages people with autism from stimming, having special interests, or avoiding eye contact. Especially when behaviorists will say that their clients with autism are being lazy or not paying attention, or intentionally causing trouble, when the person does things like avoiding eye contact, stimming, banging their head, screaming, etc., instead of thinking that perhaps the person is just behaving neutrally, or is even expressing that they are really upset. Many behaviorists cannot read other people's emotions very well.

some stuff on the horizon (like you're totally all excited about this, maybe not huh)

gay kids are trying to be productive academically, sometimes that doesn't happen but it's presently happening a little. so I don't want to write too much.

some thoughts though:

1. we can't all be Renaissance men
("look, stop freaking out about how disabled so and so is, he seems to be supporting himself" "but he can't tie his shoes and he could never go to a frat party!" "that's okay, he can wear slippers" "but some job environments wouldn't consider it appropriate to wear slippers!!" "but so and so's current boss and coworkers are okay with it" "WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO AVOID TALKING ABOUT HOW DISABLED SO AND SO IS, HE'S JUST SOOO DISABLED AAAAARRGHH I CAN'T EVEN")

2. does disorganized speech mean disorganized thought--too lazy to find what I'm talking about, but I was reading comments on a blog post by someone who was having trouble getting her kid diagnosed with ASD, and the professional she went to kept being like "no, she seems like she has some kind of psychosis because of the way she talks." some people like Amanda Baggs and Anne Corwin were saying in the comments that they speak in disorganized ways but that it just means language and thought are not very connected for them, their actual thoughts are not disorganized, it's just hard to turn them into words.

however, for me, language is me, there's nothing without it. Augusten Burrows's annoying brother said that he had to create his entire personality himself, and I feel the same. ADCN said that when I talk it sounds like I'm just thinking out loud, and that is the natural/easy way for me to talk, the way I was talking to him when he said that.

I am a poor speaker because I'm a poor thinker. I'd like to get a good rediagnosis/evaluation before I graduate from college, because it seems sensible to have it. but I'm actually worried that at this point I'm too careful about speaking coherently, and my speech won't be a complete window into my thought process the way it was 10-15 years ago.

3. "social skills don't exist," a super epic and great post which I have already written a lot of. this isn't the same as saying social impairment doesn't exist--social impairment can be framed in many ways and it is socially constructed of course, but it is REAL. but I just think that social skills aren't even real. it's a completely useless/empty concept.

first, what are "social skills"? making people like you? making friends? being able to manipulate people? making people not bully you? coming off the way you want to come off? those can't ALL BE THE SAME SKILL. what if you come off as intelligent/authoritative because you're tall? is being tall a social skill for that person? is being the same race as other people a social skill because it makes people more comfortable around you?

second, there is more than one person in the world. not everyone is taken in by the same things. and also, I guess I'm an idealist and tend to have a pretty gooey idea of connection and love. I believe there's potential for connection between various pairs and combinations of people--but not everyone gets the opportunity to connect. that doesn't mean anything as simple as saying that someone "lacks social skills." what a hateful thing to say, everyone has social skills, they're just not all the same things.

I also really love Stanley Greenspan/floortime, which is a way of actually consciously modifying your behavior to try to connect with people who have severe disabilities (for example, trying to speak in a way that isn't rough on their sensory issues, or trying to become involved in their stimming). If anything is an actual SKILL, this stuff is, and I think it's awesome--but it's not something that most people are naturally good at.