roommate is cute, slash I think some of this is useful

me: I don't know
I just think my life is a lot better since I stopped thinking of myself as being "socially impaired" or whatever
Liam: yeah
i mean its just a word
me: like, sometimes I make a joke that someone doesn't get or something, maybe it's because I'm different, but it's an interaction between the two of us, maybe we don't fit
Liam: yeah for sure
me: like, I used to just feel really embarrassed like every time i made a joke someone didn't get or something
like "oh it's my autism making me say stupid things"
Liam: i mean i find it way easier to hang out with you than a lot of other people
me: but I just think that's dumb and I feel like other people can think "that person didn't get my sense of humor" and they don't have to take it personally
dude I don't know do you find me to be like "simple" or "dense"? it's okay if you do
I just wondered
Liam: no
i think you are really smart
maybe child-like
i mean you get a lot more excited about things than most people
i think you also just approach things in general a little differently
but in a good way
me: I mean, that's cool
I don't mind being different. I just used to always mind the idea that I like...was supposed to be unaware of what was going on because of my disability
Liam: i mean thats totally not fair
everyone sees things a little differently
i mean i cant see red and green
me: aww
Liam: i think everyone is different and its easy to compare yourself to other people
i mean i always feel like im really slow
me: well I think I'm going to come to the library so I can type up my writing project
Liam: and bad at writing
me: it's easier to prop my notebook up on a desktop
Liam: cool
we are in a study room
me: oh
where?
wait are there desktops?
I guess I won't see you
:(

the hangover show

(I'm too embarrassed to transcribe the spoken parts of it, but if watched I'm pretty sure it will produce lulz.)

Yeah so re the fiction thing, it actually isn't a real awesome project, it's kind of a dumb idea. But I read Bible Camp Bloodbath and it was pretty swell (I would really recommend reading Lockpick Pornography by the same author, it was really important to me when I was in high school) and I got all excited about the idea of posting a book in blog form.

But I don't want to post anything actually good because you know someday I would like to get some books published in real life and get a really small amount of money for them. So I was thinking of posting this weird book I wrote when I was 16-18 which is...okay, maybe I just think this because I wrote it, but I feel like it's a pretty terrible book that has a certain charm.

Do you like Twilight? It's kind of the same thing. I genuinely think that even though all the sequels suck, the first Twilight book and movie are genuinely great in their portrayal of two kind of boring people who have a really boring but really intense relationship. Because that's what it feels like when you're a boring person and you have a crush on another boring person! They come into bio lab and you're like OHHH NOOOO and then a bunch of paper flies up right in front of your crotch and it's terrible. Well that's what my book is like.

Still. Life.

Yesterday morning I was driving my friend's car crying and asking for God to kill me.

When I went to bed I felt okay. One of my best friends, who lives in Washington State, is here for Thanksgiving, and so is Liam (my housemate)'s sister.

At about twelve or one when I was back from driving the car, Liam and his sister asked me to go to lunch with them. I had just started dyeing my hair but they waited for me and I remembered thinking, it just keeps going. Sooner or later, someone will be waiting for you, sooner or later there will be a new episode of The Walking Dead and you will be curled up watching it with some kind of soda or juice.

I find half-full packs of cigarettes in the park. I go to a college that has electric typewriters and an art library full of my favorite comics from when I was a kid. Liam worries about me and wanders in to ask if I want to watch David Blaine Street Magic for the hundredth time.

(I ask what he can possibly still get out of it but he says, "Now I notice little things.")

When I was waiting to wash the dye out of my hair so I could go with Liam and Jodie, I sent my friend a text: "Is it brave to go on living if you don't have anything you can do?" And I do wonder about this. I am not a depressed person, but sometimes it seems reasonable to think that stopping everything would be better. It's more a tactical decision than an emotional one.

Recently I read a quote about how if you're disabled you have to learn to be a human being and not "a human doing." I see what this means, but I guess I find it really inadequate--I mean, other people would not accept me as a being; if I completely collapsed and only wanted to experience good things, it would just be seen as laziness, depression, or a triumph of disability--a sad story. I have to stay in the doing frame because being from me would be unacceptable.

But I'm just trying to say I am, I am, I am, anyway.

so good

me: Liam, my mom's friend told me to date you
it was so awful
she was like "Amanda, you seem to be friends with a lot of boys, why don't you consider dating them"
Liam: whaaat?
oh no
me: and I was like "no thanks, I'm not interested in boys that way" and she was like "no relationship is perfect"
she was like "when you were talking about your friend Liam your face just lit up"
I was like "that's because I was talking about Christian the lion"
Liam: haha
me: I think she was excited because she's Irish
she got excited about your name
then when she left she was like "say hi to Liam"
Liam: oh no that is so weird
me: I knowww
so weird
and I kept trying to argue
Liam: im sorry indirectly
me: oh no I mean I think it's really funny
don't be sorry
I was like "the reason I don't get along with girls is because I like them, if I liked guys I wouldn't get along with guys. like when I was younger and didn't know I was gay I used to be like 'it would be so easy if I was gay, girls are so easy to talk to'"
and then she was like, "so being gay seemed like an escape from your problems!!"
Liam: :(
me: no it was classic
I love old people
Liam: haha
oh man
what are they trying to accomplish?
me: I don't know
who will ever know

Liam

"That's why reading is like sex, because it's like trying to shove your brain through a really small hole."

"I think [our professor] is like the king and I'm like Bisclavret--she's like, 'Aww! It's a beast, but it can show compassion, even though it can't talk or think.'"