02 May, 2012

slow

This is a little boring but it does remind me of the overused simile where you feel like you are plunged into ice water. I was at work around midnight, with a resident I really like. Actually the first time I met her I sneakily teared up because she shares a name with my dead grandma, who I remember as a bastion of hyperfemininity and unconditional love. She also just reminded me of her even though she's more snarky. She has a drawling way of talking and moving which you could probably diagnose or not but I think of it as a style. She is always interesting to talk to and encourages me when the steady lift refuses to roll over her oxygen tubes or the cord for the bed remote.

After we got back from the bathroom and I ran over the tubes and cords, I picked her legs up and put them in bed. I aspire to someday do this in a way that doesn't hurt her bad leg, but if there is a way, I haven't learned it yet.

Her: Oh my God.

Me: I'm sorry!

Her: No, I'm sorry...for having feet.

Me: You're sorry for having feet?

Her: For having big feet.

Me: I'd be more sorry if you didn't have feet.

Her: Oh, God. That's one blessing I have.

(At this point I was expecting a joke about being blessed with big feet.)

"All the children were normal," she said. I sort of froze and, after a characteristic pause, she continued, "All the money and time that goes toward an invalid..."

I don't think I said anything else before I left. Maybe I said, "Yeah, well," which is the best response because maybe it leaves room for everything I could want to say. Anyway I had the ice bucket feeling.

At three she put on her light to go the bathroom. I actually felt nervous about what it would be like to talk to her, someone I had always looked forward to talking to before. Once I got her in the bathroom I crouched on the floor because my legs had hit the feeling where they feel like some other appendage that I'm using as legs by mistake. I closed my eyes but weirdly I almost felt afraid of doing this in front of her now as if I didn't want her to see my weakness.

She asked how I could sit like that so early in the morning; she didn't think she could. She had dreamed she went hiking with her daughter in Big Sur, where she has never been. After a while I wondered if she had fallen asleep in the bathroom and if I should try and wake her up.

"How is the bathroom stuff going?" I asked. She couldn't understand me the first time (this is not because she is old; I'm not the best conversation partner for anyone who has the mildest hearing or processing problems in the world). When she understood the question she thought about it and said, "Slow...like me," with a crooked smile. I realized one of the things I most admire about her is the grace of her slowness.

14 comments:

  1. Im glad your job is working out better for you,it sounds like your doing better with it.

    I commented on your last post a week or so ago, i was the one that accidently posted the same thing twice and has the same disability you have, even thow i know you dont use the word AS anymore or adentify your self as that anymore. I know they are trying to get red of that name and others, and just name it all as having ASD. Wich its fine with me if that happens i guess. I also sent you a FB friend request awhile back ago. I can relate to some of the things your saying in your posts.I really dont know what else to say, im new at learning the disability and other ASD'S. So i hope i did not offend you in any way? well i hope everything works out for you. Take care.

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    1. Don't worry, you didn't offend me.

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    2. well im glad i didn't. Did you anychance get my Facebook request i sent you? I was wondering if we can talk sometime about a few things and stuff?

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    3. Maybe you can help me with all this, if you have time and dont mind?

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    4. If you have sometime and dont mind?

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    5. I feel like I probably won't be able to help but I don't mind talking, I can basically always talk on weekdays. If I didn't friend you back can you send me another message? If I don't recognize someone's name sometimes I forget to look them up and I just forget to friend them back.

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    6. yeah shure i will do that again and tell you on the message its me.

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    7. I sent you another message on Facebook, hope to talk to you. Have a nice day.

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    8. You know, I don't think I got a new message. Are you sure you found my right account?

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  2. It is Amanda wood Vivian right? thats all i can find of you or all i have found.

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    Replies
    1. I check it every day and it shows where you have recently added new freinds.

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    2. yeah that's definitely me, what is your first name?

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  3. Replies
    1. My name is Chris, i did not know if you got the other reponse of me telling you?

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