I really, really don't want to write about disability for normal people.
I don't want to explain that I don't see people as objects. I don't want to explain that I'm not just imagining that I have a disability. I don't want to have to make an analogy where I go, "Some people with cerebral palsy can talk and some can't, they all have cerebral palsy, and it's the same with autism spectrum disorders." (Also, who knows if people will even get that. My dad thinks that the reason CK can walk is that he's really energetic and determined.)
I have recently been trying to have these conversations with my mom. I don't know why. I just get told that, for example, I should imagine why someone might kill their kid with a disability. This really upsets me because it's not that I don't have compassion for people who do bad things, but constantly reminding me to have compassion for a particular group of people who do bad things seems to imply that what they do is less bad than what other people do.
My mom said that maybe when I'm older I'll learn not to be so emotionally affected by things like the ableism in Precious. When she was trying to explain why Autism Speaks is okay, I said, "It's different for me because all this stuff directly affects me," and my mom got mad and said, "Don't you think autism affects me?"
Well, apparently not. Because if it affected you I think you'd probably understand a fraction of what I'm talking about.
(Don't think it's just my mom. It's not just my mom.)
I'm not even a radical. But you know what, I'm sick of caring whether anyone thinks I am. Actually, I'm just not going to try to engage with any normal people about this stuff ever again. I've been trying to understand why I'm so depressed all the time now, and I think it's because I've developed this idea that I should be trying to express myself on these issues in Real Life. I think I'm going to throw in the towel, not tell anyone I have ASD unless they definitely need to know, pull out all my passing stops, and not fucking talk about this shit anymore.
I like writing this blog because I think some people are affected by it. I like working with other DD people, because I think some of them are affected by it. Those are the only things I want to do, disability-wise, and I don't want to feel guilty. I want to compartmentalize my identity and my beliefs. I think I'm going to have a great time.