(I was going to write an actual post about this, but I basically summarized the entire planned post when I was talking to my friend and I think the summary works equally well to get across what I have to say. This is slightly an announcement about the direction of this blog--or maybe it's an announcement that I'm getting back on track, after veering in some fucked-up directions--but I also just think it's an interesting problem on its own merits. I've edited the conversation to remove my friend's comments, and to avoid doing what I am, at this point, resolving not to do.)
me: well I feel like I've known a few people who like
will get in a really depressive state and they can't separate the depression from what's true
so like for example they'll basically go on a crusade against some thing or person they see as being bad
and for people outside of it it's kind of obvious, like "wow, no matter what happened, this person is not really experiencing reality"
me: well, so my blog becomes the narrative that I tell myself about my life, if I write in it a lot
me: and at periods when I'm in really bad emotional states, I often have this narrative going really loud in my head and when it's really bad the narrative becomes less and less connected to reality
now, I guess I feel that what the narrative has been lately is basically probably true in some sense
"I'm disabled, people don't read me as disabled, people don't respect disabled people, people expect things of me that I cannot do, this is bad, etc."
and it's okay for me to write about this obviously
but the problem is when I get into some sort of state
and I don't think I have a mood disorder, but I guess it's also pretty normal for a lot of people with autism that we just get into a state when something is overwhelming for whatever reason, and it just sort of takes over everything and it's not that different from a depressive or manic episode
me: and, you know, I think my states are probably who I am and would probably happen no matter what--although they're affected by my stress level and other stuff, I definitely think they've been much worse this year and much harder to transition out of. I mean, some of the things that put me into states are really not fair and I'm justifiably angry about them, but that doesn't mean that I'm in my right mind when I'm in the states.
anyway I think the problem is
I get in these states and the narration in the states is like
"everything is so hard, I'm a waste of space, my autism is like this giant pile of shit I'm carrying around, I have a horrible brain, I want to [blah blah blah self-injury blah blah], if I just [blah blah blah self-injury blah blah] everyone would believe I was really disabled and maybe someone would use what happened to make a point about ableism which would be the most useful thing I could do"
me: and on the small scale, this is so bad I'm totally worthless I'm going to [blah blah blah self-injury blah blah]
and all of this, is like
me being in a state
yes, probably the opinions behind what I'm thinking are things I would stand behind when I'm feeling all right
but the whole thing is like
not really completely attached at the hip to reality
I think sometimes maybe because I want support but also because my states superficially resemble stuff that I write about when I am in my right mind
I end up writing on my blog about how I want to [blah blah blah self-injury blah blah] or something, because in the state it looks to me like it fits in with my other posts. when I'm in that state, it feels like hurting myself would be a political act.
but...making those posts is not a smart or okay thing to do.
even if I think I'm doing it to make a point or something
what I'm really doing is letting my states take over completely
and instead of just understanding it's a state it's kind of awful maybe I can distract myself or talk to someone or maybe I just need to pray or sleep it off, like I start believing in the validity of the state
even when the state is like, I need to hurt myself, my life is so sad there's nothing good in it
um...so yeah I'm not going to write about this kind of stuff on my blog anymore. and I want to write a post basically covering this because I think it's interesting and may be helpful to other people who have states
although I do understand the irony of writing a post about this when I just said I wasn't going to post these really intense emotional things.