14 September, 2009

Would you condescend to help me, I am stupid and blind

CS Lewis said, "What do people mean when they say 'I am not afraid of God because I know He is good?' Have they never even been to a dentist?" Lewis thought maybe God killed his wife because they had such a good relationship that they weren't being challenged. Or because there wasn't any more for her to learn.

My friend's dad died when he was a kid and my friend never really talks like God is not there. It seems like God has to be there, in his mind, because his dad has to be somewhere, he can't not. My friend is a noble person and sometimes things are hard for him because of that. He has a disproportionate number of unstable friends because he is prone to sticking around through everything, wearing himself out. It is exhausting for him and it exhausts me too when I try to do it, sometimes with the same people. We sort of vent to each other about these people, our nasty little side complaints twitching out of the corners of our mouths when we're alone; it's like an affair between people who are staying together for the kids. These mild explosions of resentment are hardly admirable, but we want to be there for the people we know who need help, but at the same time they ask for so much. "Am I a horrible person for saying this," my friend starts, sometimes, and there's no stopping him. He is not.

In pictures my friend is a little boy with round glasses and his dad is very old. My friend and I hold hands and we hold each other, sometimes we sleep in the same bed. He says all these things to me, like, "give me your little hand," and he kisses me on the top of the head. Like a lot of ASD people, I used to hurt myself, and my friend said we can't be best friends if I start again, because I will just be like the other people then and not someone he can count on. Even if I wasn't committed to being better, it's an easy trade. This boy is precious. He's very smart, but also, he's really young for his age, and he reacts to joy by spazzing out, flipping around and shaking his arms and legs. He can be a sad, still person, but when he's happy there is no one like him.

Anyway, apparently he has a girlfriend. I don't really understand why I didn't know this, but he can be a lazy friend and he hasn't contacted me in probably a week. For one thing, he probably hasn't worked out that he can't call me using my US number. I don't really know how to talk about my friend having a girlfriend; there's not a lot of room for how I feel. Being friends with someone is not supposed to be like having a relationship. If you're a lesbian, especially, boys are supposed to be nonentities that you maybe even hate. This is not the case for me. I've never had a serious relationship; my friends are everything to me. I am very, very close to this boy and in some ways he feels like mine, whatever that means.

He's pretty much terminally alone too, so I guess I've latched onto him more fervently than with any of my other friends. We would joke about getting married, a little. He would say why couldn't I be straight. None of this is to say that I really wanted to marry him, because believe me, I don't. It's not just that I want to get married to a girl, but it really, truly is that I know he wants a real girlfriend as much as I do. And I know with prayer and all that I will feel okay about this. But I just have this constant feeling of being always alone--with boys, I get these little flickers of affection and love, but I'm gay, so it never goes the whole way. And with girls, I just feel tremendously unlucky and impaired, and I'm paralyzed; I'm too closed off to feel much for them even when it's safe. My friend has never been like this, he gets his heart broken again and again, and finally his strength has paid off.

The truth is I should be happy for him, and I will be. It just takes time. I like CSL because he saw the world as painful and beautiful. God will work through me and fix me and I won't feel bitter about these things.

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