I'm not very happy right now. The college I go to in the US is in a small town and most of the buildings are really close together. I also don't have to cook for myself and can pretty much wander around in pajamas if I want. Here, studying abroad in the UK, I have to walk at least two and a half miles a day, which isn't really very much and I should buck up, I guess, but by the end of the day I feel really tired out. Deciding what to eat every day is also kind of overwhelming. I didn't get put in a seminar group for my art history class, and I've probably left this issue way too long because I had to walk half a mile just to see the lists of seminar groups, and then I had to walk home to check my email from some irritated university employee telling me what I should do about it, and the email said I should "ask at the office" (at the same place as the lists), and then I went back today and needed to ask a lot of people just to find the office, and then the office was closed for the day anyway so I have to go back tomorrow. It is not very exciting or cheering to post about these kinds of stupid problems, but I guess the point is that just eating and attending class seems to take so much energy, and I'm probably not doing the best job of either.
I also don't have any friends. Recently, I have participated in activities suggested by my flatmates, like having a party, getting pizza for another flatmate's birthday, and watching a movie. I'm actually slightly impressed with myself because I feel like, although I might be the least social person in my flat, I do spend time with my flatmates and they think of me as a member of the flat. But the fact that I'm not a failure doesn't mean I'm a success. A really quick way of summing the situation up is that no one at this school knows I'm gay, which is something that anyone who was friends with me would know. I haven't had a conversation about anything even slightly important.
I hope things will get better, but I've been here for almost a month. I guess it's important to think about the fact that I am competent; I'm not starving or skipping class (much), and I'm not hated or ignored by the people I live with. But so far, I feel like the only benefit of being here is that I'll be able to hold it over my parents when they treat me like a four-year-old, which they usually do.
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That office thing sounds lame. Good job participating. I am usually good at participating but nothing good ever seems to come of it the way it does with other people.
ReplyDeleteha, yeah. exactly.
ReplyDeleteactually I shouldn't be such an emo because sometimes participating does help. but sometimes it doesn't help that much. like in high school, I was okay joking and talking with the other kids who were involved in theater, but they weren't really my friends, and when I went home after long rehearsals I felt sort of exhausted for putting so much energy into something unreal.