01 March, 2011

I was going to make a post saying that I'm trying to give up this blog for Lent again, but I know that it's ridiculous to say this is about Lent, because giving up this blog is really the opposite of what I should be doing in terms of God. Out of my usual perverse avoidance of the medical model, I'm going to avoid saying that disability and anti-ableism is my special interest, and say that it's the thing I am called to right now.

When I am called to something it's the thing my mind always returns to. It becomes very hard to focus on other things. This is obviously problematic because I am in school.

Last time I went to church the sermon was about the lillies of the field and the pastor, I thought, impressively TMIed the congregation by saying that his marriage had fallen apart but that God was there to look after him. Unfortunately, I guess I do not feel this way. I cannot feel safe in God's hands, because if I do not graduate from college that would not be okay. I know the way my mind is going, it's very difficult to do anything. I try to avoid writing here when I feel called to do so, because I know that it will keep me from doing other things. So I walk around with notebooks full of very long pieces of writing about exactly the kind of thing I write about here, because even when I don't allow myself to actually write here, it is always the core of me. I really don't know what to do with this. I know that the core of me needs to be, if nothing else, my independent fiction project. But it's hard for me to be as interested in that project as I am in all of this.

Sorry to go on about this here.

When I really think about it, I know that graduating doesn't really matter, not just in the grand scheme of things, but in the specific. I don't even have plans for my life that heavily depend upon having a college education. At the same time, I can't help but feel that if I didn't graduate, it would not be okay. I would not be okay if I couldn't succeed in this particular way.

But I wake up and do nothing because there is so much I am not called to do and it's so hard to move toward it and I get trapped in nothingness, not even writing here, because everything starts moving too slow and too fast at the same time. I don't know if this is making sense. Basically, I know on the one hand I should write more because I know not as many people are reading this any more and I also feel strongly that it's the most important thing I do even though in the eyes of a lot of people it wouldn't be important at all--but the people I most care about I guess are the people to whom this kind of writing is important. I feel like I'm throwing something away here. But I know I have to leave, so I can do what I think is okay instead of what I think is right. And yes I know this is a very dramatic way to say, "I'm trying to write in my blog less so I can focus on school more."

But I have a slow nature and this kind of transferring my mind from one thing to another feels really miserable. Especially because right now I feel so confused about the right thing to do and I feel like I'm trading in a sense of purpose for colorlessness.


  1. I don't know if avoiding the things you want to do will make you want to do the things you have to do. Or at least it just makes me not want to do anything.

    But I understand about it seeming like it would not be alright to just not do something, even if in some sense the thing seems unimportant--it's pretty much the only reason I'm still in college. I hope everything goes well for you. :)

  2. I don't know about all that less people reading your blog stuff... but you should focus on school. Sometimes I get overwhelmed when I'm having very clear thoughts especially relating to disability and stuff I actually want to right down and remember, and if I know I don't have time to right it down I will even get a little panicky. As soon as the panic/excitement/need to get my thoughts out happens I realize what is happening and tell myself to calm down and even though I will most likely forget the amazing brilliant thought I just had, it won't matter because once it's forgotten I don't remember how great it was and my life goes on. And being that I actually have NO time to myself practically, it happens a lot. You've got to graduate, I think God knows that if he is actually calling you to focus your mind on disability stuff then having a degree can only help you do that.

  3. Just a thought...
    I have the same kind of problem. Is it possible for you to blog less and do school more? Or, is it all-or-nothing for you? It sometimes helps me to schedule my time for days in advance. I'll schedule time for what I'm super-focused about, and I'll schedule time for the other necessary things. I don't know if something like that would help you, but I wanted to offer the suggestion.
    Keep working through it, the right answer will come.

  4. You should do whatever you think is necessary. I don't think there's any reason for you to feel bad/guilty about blogging less or taking a break from blogging.

  5. It sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed, and I agree with Danyelle that maybe you need to impose a schedule on yourself to give you more structure to decrease your anxiety. As for the blog, you are a good writer, and some people will be discovering and reading your old posts, and they will learn from your experiences or feel like they are not alone. Your old posts will be like a bookmark that holds your place, so pauses are not a problem. This post made me think of that quote, "Anything worth doing is worth doing well." Except for us it should be, "Anything worth doing is worth overdoing."