I'M SOMEWHERE ELSE

I was going to make a post saying that I'm trying to give up this blog for Lent again, but I know that it's ridiculous to say this is about Lent, because giving up this blog is really the opposite of what I should be doing in terms of God. Out of my usual perverse avoidance of the medical model, I'm going to avoid saying that disability and anti-ableism is my special interest, and say that it's the thing I am called to right now.

When I am called to something it's the thing my mind always returns to. It becomes very hard to focus on other things. This is obviously problematic because I am in school.

Last time I went to church the sermon was about the lillies of the field and the pastor, I thought, impressively TMIed the congregation by saying that his marriage had fallen apart but that God was there to look after him. Unfortunately, I guess I do not feel this way. I cannot feel safe in God's hands, because if I do not graduate from college that would not be okay. I know the way my mind is going, it's very difficult to do anything. I try to avoid writing here when I feel called to do so, because I know that it will keep me from doing other things. So I walk around with notebooks full of very long pieces of writing about exactly the kind of thing I write about here, because even when I don't allow myself to actually write here, it is always the core of me. I really don't know what to do with this. I know that the core of me needs to be, if nothing else, my independent fiction project. But it's hard for me to be as interested in that project as I am in all of this.

Sorry to go on about this here.

When I really think about it, I know that graduating doesn't really matter, not just in the grand scheme of things, but in the specific. I don't even have plans for my life that heavily depend upon having a college education. At the same time, I can't help but feel that if I didn't graduate, it would not be okay. I would not be okay if I couldn't succeed in this particular way.

But I wake up and do nothing because there is so much I am not called to do and it's so hard to move toward it and I get trapped in nothingness, not even writing here, because everything starts moving too slow and too fast at the same time. I don't know if this is making sense. Basically, I know on the one hand I should write more because I know not as many people are reading this any more and I also feel strongly that it's the most important thing I do even though in the eyes of a lot of people it wouldn't be important at all--but the people I most care about I guess are the people to whom this kind of writing is important. I feel like I'm throwing something away here. But I know I have to leave, so I can do what I think is okay instead of what I think is right. And yes I know this is a very dramatic way to say, "I'm trying to write in my blog less so I can focus on school more."

But I have a slow nature and this kind of transferring my mind from one thing to another feels really miserable. Especially because right now I feel so confused about the right thing to do and I feel like I'm trading in a sense of purpose for colorlessness.