22 September, 2011

(trigger warning for description of me having violent feelings toward myself and other disabled people)

I couldn't sleep and wandered into Clayton's room and said:

when I was 13 my dog died and I felt really sorry for my parents because now they only had me. Whenever I thought about the fact that I was an only child I was filled with this guilt I tried to avoid thinking about, that they didn't have another kid to take their minds off me.

Last spring I was almost done with college. My parents had told me that I would be able to finish college in four years if I worked hard enough. All my friends who had disabilities like mine were either having a lot of trouble in school or had already had to leave and I was determined not to be like them. I kind of hated them. I got in a big fight on the Internet because I made an angry blog post about how I wanted to kill people who took medical leaves because I would kill myself rather than do that.

I would get really angry and scared about potentially not doing schoolwork and not being able to graduate. I would get suicidal. Sometimes just trying to come down from being really suicidal made it hard to do work but I couldn't tell my professors why my work wasn't good or on time. It made me feel upset to wonder what they thought of me but if I told anyone I was suicidal I could be removed from school and I wouldn't be able to finish in four years.

My parents do a lot for me and I'm very close to them. I consider them great people but a part of me is disappeared from them.

7 comments:

  1. Even though I am much older than you, I understand how you feel. I am also an only child and felt guilty about it. When I was your age I had suicidal thoughts as well and had to drop out of college, as in those days schools were not as understanding or sympathetic of those who have mental health problems. I guess the thing is to hang in there and not give up.

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  2. I never comment, but I read this blog a lot and I really love it.

    However...

    "All my friends who had disabilities like mine were either having a lot of trouble in school or had already had to leave and I was determined not to be like them. I kind of hated them. I got in a big fight on the Internet because I made an angry blog post about how I wanted to kill people who took medical leaves because I would kill myself rather than do that."

    As someone disabled who flunked college the first time and continues to have an-and-off relationship with college, and was told she should kill herself because of these things, that really triggered me.

    I'm sorry.

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  3. Don't be sorry, I mean it's not a good situation and I know at the time I really hurt and triggered some of my friends in a way I can never undo.

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  4. Do you mean you want me to add a warning?

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  5. Never mind, I feel like I'm being really passive-aggressive about this. I wrote a post about it if you want to continue to talk (if you don't that's fine obviously).

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