Opening a bank account was my goal for today, but apparently the RBS just changed their weekend closing time from 5 to 2. I got there and got in line around 1:40, and a woman almost immediately told everyone past a certain point in line to go home and come back tomorrow. At least I know for sure that it's an easy place to open an account, since there were several other students there for the same reason.
When I woke up I went into the kitchen through the dark hall and made myself a mug of tea. Then I sat in bed, drank the tea, looked out the window, and read Erin's wonderful story. Erin's story takes place in a college town that is more Oberlin than Oberlin is. The central character is experiencing a crisis, but the story is told from the perspective of her two best friends, who come off as exhausted and a little bored. It's finals, and they're finishing their papers even as they try to keep their cartoonishly emotional friend from going off the rails. They keep taking naps and zoning out in grocery stores and in the backseats of cars. I think the reason this story appeals to me is the imperfect tense-ness of the tone; it is not so much the plot but the fact that the two best friends are so used to the girl's histrionic behavior, that they are surprised by nothing, that they are mostly traversing a worn groove. It's easy to say they do this; it's hard to say they are doing it, and have been for a very long time.
Sometimes I feel like technology is ruining the life I should have had, when I would have been in a riot grrl band or something, but often I feel like I was born at just the right time. I love YouTube. I don't think anyone could have imagined how wonderful YouTube could be. Specifically, although it's really cool that a few strangers listen to my music, I am mostly excited that I get to talk about Asperger's online.
This is only a condition that people have been diagnosed with for the past ten or fifteen years. And because of that, the textbook portrayals are still very basic: people with Asperger's are teenage boys who are obnoxious, don't have feelings, spout off Wikipedia entries at the slightest provocation, are good with physics/spaceships, and so on. This one-dimensional image has real negative consequences for people who cannot get accommodations or even diagnoses because they don't fit the stereotype. Professionals don't seem to consider the fact that humans change and adapt; that girls who are serious and compulsive get yelled at, guilt-tripped, and punished by parents and teachers; that anyone who is bullied tries to escape it; that people who have been diagnosed with AS may take a systematic approach to eradicating the symptoms in themselves. They also, bafflingly, don't understand that a person who is kept from connecting because of anxiety or social slowness can actually want friends just as much as anyone else.
This leads to lots of people being told that they don't have Asperger's (or another ASD), because they have friends, want friends, don't speak in a monotone, don't monologue, don't publicly stim, are emotional, or worry about what other people think. It also leads AS people, even the diagnosed, to think that they don't have the right to identify as disabled or use their AS as an explanation for things, because they aren't stereotypical anymore. (This was my situation for a while.)
So a lot of ASD people are writing blogs and recording YouTube videos about their lives. And this is a fantastic thing. This summer I started making videos about having and coping with Asperger's. Not a lot of people watch my videos, but some people do, and about once a week for a few months I have gotten a long comment from a person telling me they feel exactly the same way, asking for advice, or wanting to tell me what it's like for them. It's amazing to feel like I can be helpful just by putting together a semi-coherent video where I am honest about my life; that I can be a source of information just by being a thoughtful person with an ASD.
I realized this is what I always imagined riot grrl was like. Not worrying about the fact that you are just a kid and not the best speaker. Just accomplishing something by telling the truth.
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"This leads to lots of people being told that they don't have Asperger's (or another ASD), because they have friends, want friends, don't speak in a monotone, don't monologue, don't publicly stim, are emotional, or worry about what other people think. "
ReplyDeleteIt's a huge relief to read this. I'm not sure I'm on the spectrum or not, but at least I feel less crazy now for considering it.
Anyway, I like reading your blog because it comes from a non-stereotypical POV I can relate to. I hope you're not weirded out by me commenting on such an old entry.