02 May, 2010

Church at home

When I was a kid I was afraid of the sound of flushing the toilet. I'd run out of the bathroom as fast as possible, without washing my hands. When I got older I was expected to wash my face and use an electric toothbrush but the electric toothbrush especially upset me too much.

Normally I'm okay. But the worse things get, the less I can handle the sound and feel of the electric toothbrush. Also, I find church to be very scary, as I've mentioned several times, so the worse things get, the more I become this little unhygienic person skulking around my dorm on Sunday morning, with very dirty hair and very dirty teeth (or, possibly, trying to get into the bathroom when no one else is there so I can jump around while brushing my teeth to distract myself from the toothbrush overload).

Oh right! So, because of not going to church, I was thinking maybe I'd try to write religious stuff here on Sunday. I tend to think that I was better on God stuff when I was thinking about it in on my own instead of feeling that it had to be about other people, or specifically about social structures. I almost feel like developing the idea that I had to go to church is one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. I can probably count on all my digits the amount of times I've gone to church since I made that decision two years ago, so it's just a way of making myself feel like a failure because church is hard for me.


I’m glad I’m Christian because other religions don't have room for what a major shit I am.

I believe certain things about God. Specifically: I am NOT good enough. Something needs to take me over. Terribly. Always.

It’s not about sitting around and whining about how I’m not good enough. I think of it as being a lot like disability. My sin is not a tragedy. It’s also not nothing. Something has to be done about it. God is my assistive technology.


  1. Oh my goodness I was also scared of toilets as a child! I also used to have an electric toothbrush and a few times I almost blacked out using it. Now I feel like a sensory copycat.

    There's probably some obvious reason for this that I don't know about, but why don't you get yoruself a toothbrush that isn't electric?

    Also I am Jewish but I don't think that means Christianity isn't real. I doesn't strike me as likely that God exists but I think religion can be beautiful and stained glass and clarity and repetition. That's what I liked about religion when I was doing it.

    Maybe this is going to bother you or you'll think I feel sorry for you or something but I think you're really great. I'd like you if I was God.

  2. I think that must be a really normal sensory issue though. I mean electric toothbrushes are horrible.

    They don't really bother me now most of the time. It's just unfortunate because when I was in middle and high school, I didn't understand why they upset me so much so I was never able to argue with my mom and explain why they upset me and why I would try to avoid using them. Or why I tried to avoid washing my face.

    I like how you always apologize before you say anything nice about me. How dare you say I'm great! I'm so offended.

  3. Oh, I love washing my face! It kind of bothers me when my face feels greasy to the touch, even like the way faces normally do during the day. I'm always wiping my face with my clothes or my hand to get it to be dryer, which must look weird to other people.

    Hehe, well I wouldn't apologize before complimenting you except sometimes when I say nice things about you it seems like you assume I'm just flattering you to make you feel better or that it's awkward for you in some way. So now when I'm going to compliment you I apologize in case it causes you awkward feelings to read the compliment. I know I am sort of ridiculous.