18 December, 2009

Crime and Punishment in Suburbia PART TWO

QUOTES and/or summaries of delightful incidents:

Vincent Kartheiser wears big owl glasses while giving himself a tattoo that says "por nada" while voiceovering about how he doesn't have any reason to be in love with this girl, he just is. The best part is mostly the glasses! I hope that someday a movie is made where Vincent Kartheiser wears owl glasses in every scene. I might attempt to become a producer just so this could happen.

(The girl's boyfriend understandably pretends to run Vincent Kartheiser over with his car and then jumps out of his car and starts shaking Vincent Kartheiser by his tiny, tiny shoulders.)
Vincent Kartheiser: Don't touch me unless you love me.
The girl's boyfriend: Are you some kind of faggot?
Vincent Kartheiser: Think about it--if I was, would I really tell you?
The girl's boyfriend: (although I don't think this was intentional by the writer or actor, this comes off as SUPER gay) I don't know. Maybe you want me to know. (remembers he is supposed to be straight) Just because Roseanne likes you doesn't mean you can act like this.
Vincent Kartheiser: She cares about you a lot. That's a big responsibility. You have to give her lots of love.
The girl's boyfriend: What?
Vincent Kartheiser: (all enraged and kicking his tiny feet around) FORGET IT!
The girl's boyfriend: (strangely infuriated) Forget what? You forget it! (starts beating up Vincent Kartheiser, who can't really do anything, being roughly the size of a kitten)

(The girl is in science class and the teacher asks her a question.)
Girl: I don't know.
Teacher: Why don't you know?
Girl: Uh...
(All of the sudden, Vincent Kartheiser bursts into the room wearing a giant wreath of garlic around his neck.)
Teacher: Excuse me, you can't just walk in here like this.
Vincent Kartheiser: I had a dream last night about evil, horrible things. I'm using this garlic garland in order to ward off the evil spirits of that dream. Do you need this? If you need it, it's yours.

(intensely, while trying to hug the girl or put the garlic on her or something) LET ME HELP YOU.
(The girl jumps up and runs out of the classroom while Vincent Kartheiser and the teacher yell her name in a bored fashion. After a minute, Vincent Kartheiser puts the garlic back on.)

Girl: Well, if there is a God or a Jesus or whatever (LOL like the two are mutually exclusive), I think He sucks.
Vincent Kartheiser: I think you expect more out of Him than I do.
Girl: Well, He sure takes shitty care of the people that believe in Him. Look at you.
Vincent Kartheiser: (attempts to snort jadedly) What do you expect me to believe in? The police?


THE MOST HILARIOUS VOICEOVER: We kept passing motels. I wondered if she'd go into one of them with me if I asked her. But I never did. I didn't have any money anyway.

Girl: You knew.
Vincent Kartheiser: What?
Girl: You knew what I did. You knew that I...
Vincent Kartheiser: That you murdered your stepfather? Of course I knew.
(I don't think you can even imagine how great this scene is, the thing to remember is that VK is being incredibly mellow and cheerful and looking at the girl adoringly, as if they're talking about stealing a puppy from the pet store.)
Girl: You're insane.
Vincent Kartheiser: (smiling) I followed you. I took a lot of pictures that night.
Girl: Why didn't you take them to the police?
Vincent Kartheiser: Why would I take them to the police? I hate the police.
(He even sort of stutters as he is saying this because he's so confused by the idea that you might turn someone in to the police after they kill someone.)

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