16 March, 2010

Slightly Happier Math Exercise

As you might but probably don't remember, because you weren't here (except Ari who creepily went back and started arguing with me about my calculations), I one time wrote this really complicated post called the Sad Math Exercise about how I can never get married because I only want to date people with ASD, plus I'm gay, and ASD and gayness are both more common in boys which I am not, THE MISERY!

I guess it sounds like this might be a lead-in to a post about me announcing I'm in a relationship, but don't worry, that will never happen. I was just thinking today when I was at work that maybe the Sad Math Exercise doesn't have to be quite as sad as it is because I think I could date a regular person if they had cerebral palsy.

Like, I think the main issue is really my physicality--okay, part one, I think it's harder to communicate with someone who is not a stimming person, but part two, it's just very uncomfortable to be a woman who moves like I do and I spend a huge amount of time feeling jealous of guys for being allowed to move stiffly or bouncily when I have to constantly feel terrible about myself because of the way I walk and feel like I'm so much worse than practically everyone I know just because I'm stimmy and sometimes trying not to be stimmy and my proprioception is terrible so all my movements are very dramatic. I think that it would be nice to have a relationship with a person with CP because I would be able to go places with them without unfavorably comparing my movements to theirs.

However, while I was thinking this when I was at work, I was sort of backing it up by being like, "the one person in the world I feel terribly, easily close to is a person with CP, so maybe there's actually a specific body language overlap," and then I got all excited and was drawing ASD + CP = true love forever on the imaginary tree in my head

but then I was in class and my friend called me like eleven times, it was really awkward, and when I called him during the class break he started yammering about how he took the Simon Baron-Cohen test and I was like, "buddy, you don't need to have autism, I still like you," but then he started listing the billions of things that he read that prove his ASD, and telling me about his mom's problems when she was a kid, la la la, and I started, somewhat gloomily, to sink into the belief that there was no magical ESP connection between our disabilities and that the reason I like him so much is just that he's really been like me all along.

It's sort of depressing. I'd like to believe in fluidity, or love or something. This doesn't really discount my Math Exercise though, it still makes sense even without this particular experience to back it up.


  1. Hiii Amanda! I really like the stuff you've been writing lately. I also have to ask -- where did you hear that gayness is more common in boys?

    Love from the somewhat-reproachful-though-fangirlish internet lesbian in your virtual life,

  2. um, wikipedia?