I was thinking about identifying as gay and why that’s weird for me, I guess in the short term because I like a boy right now, but in the long term because I don’t consider this (or any other instances that may occur) to be exceptions to the rule of my orientation, but in fact to be consistent with it.

I wouldn’t correct someone who called me queer, as that also describes me, but gay or homosexual is the label I’d rather use. I see why the word queer is appealing because of its fluidity but it’s precisely that fluidity that causes me not to prefer it, and even caused me to hate and reject it when I was younger. As a teenager, I had experiences that shaped my personality and spirituality which were based in being not “other than straight” but a girl who was attracted to other girls and not attracted to boys. (I guess I should say female-assigned because I didn’t really identify as a girl for some periods of my adolescence.)

In the really lonely times that made me the person I am, being gay felt like the most important aspect of me even as it was the most damning. The fact that I was not attracted to boys was a big part of it because it wasn’t just “I’m different” but “there is actually no way I can fit into the world as the world seems to be.” I remember almost starting to cry at school one day when I was in a room with some girls who started having a conversation about which smells were most attractive on boys.

It also is a wonderful and painful part of my life that I have really close, physically and emotionally affectionate, friendships with straight guys. It’s wonderful for the closeness, but painful for various reasons: feeling outranked in importance by my friends’ girlfriends, feeling like I don’t count because I can’t provide sex, feeling like I’m seen as a threat because I’m a girl who’s close with someone’s boyfriend and I have to distance myself/quit being physically affectionate to show that I’m not a threat, being mistaken for a friend’s girlfriend and getting approval from straight people for our perceived relationship, which is kind of painful, and so on. All these experiences are ones that I have pretty regularly so being not attracted to boys is a big part of my life and I’d like to continue to claim it as part of my identity whether or not I happen to like a boy at the time.

Okay, so what do I mean by saying that I can like a boy without it being an exception, but I’m not attracted to boys?

Well, there are multiple factors that lead to me being strongly attracted to someone. I’m attracted to people who are very translucent about their feelings, who are clever, and who put me in a certain frame of mind sexually. Those are the three most important factors—well four I guess as gender is probably up there with those three as a massively important factor. Then there’s stuff that would trigger me to be attracted to someone, like having blue eyes, but that I don’t really feel the absence of in the strength of my attraction.

Let’s say that I said, “I’m attracted to people who have black hair and I don’t find any other hair color attractive,” and I lived in a society where the hair color that you were attracted to was really important, and I wasn’t raised knowing that I could like people with black hair, and I thought God might be punishing me for liking people with black hair, and it was this huge experience in my life. I mean, I’m giving this backstory to explain why I might say about myself on a regular basis, “I’m attracted to people who have black hair and I don’t find any other hair color attractive.” Because it would be very important, if I lived in that world.

But in the real world, where hair color preference isn’t seen as the most important aspect of your sexuality, if I liked someone who had blond hair—not because they had blond hair, but because everything else about them was one of my triggers for attraction—this really wouldn’t be some big shift in my sexuality where I’d now have to say, “I’m attracted to people with black hair and people with blond hair,” because I wouldn’t be any more attracted to blond-haired people than I was before, and in fact I still wouldn’t be attracted to blond-haired-ness at all. It would just be that it wasn’t the only defining factor in me being attracted to someone.

To make a really long story short, I am gay but although gender’s a hugely strong factor for me, there are other equally strong or stronger ones. But there’s not a word for this, sad times.

I watched this Skins episode and had some gay thoughts and some Autistic thoughts

So for a really long time I've been wanting to watch Skins because I knew the following information: there was this lesbian couple that everyone liked. And then one of them had sex with a guy with ASD because she felt sorry for him, and all the lesbians on the Internet were mad because it was like she was really straight! Argh! And hearing this, I was kind of like, gosh that's fucked up for the guy with ASD though. What about him? Queer Autistic TV investigation time!

So, I watched the episode where the lesbian sleeps with the guy with autism. And it was like...I actually can't believe it exists. The character with autism is the best fictional character with ASD I've ever read about or seen. It's so easy to explain why something is wrong, and so hard to explain why something is right, so I almost don't even know how to talk about why I love him so much. (Spoilers, obviously.)

The walls of his bedroom are covered with a chart he made about his relationships with other people. And that sounds so stupid and offensive, but somehow it's not. And he walks like he has ASD and he talks like he has ASD; like, the real kind, not the TV kind. And and and...I just can't even talk about it. I'll probably end up watching the entire show and then maybe I can try to write about him again.

It was such a good episode though. Like the wall chart, the "once-only charity event" sex wasn't as offensive as it sounds. Towards the beginning of the episode, JJ says something like, "If I could be normal for one day I'd lose my virginity, and then I'd tell my friends not to fight with each other and they'd listen to me instead of ruffling my hair." Emily (the lesbian character) replies that maybe he could have the things he wants if he actually pursued them. So he sets out to tell his friends what he thinks of them, with terrible results, but in the process he and Emily become closer and she announces that they should sleep together. It's not like, "I'm going to have sex with you because no one else would ever have sex with you," it's like, "I'm going to have sex with you because you think that you'll never have sex, and this will change the way you think of yourself." Which is kind of a messed up reason to have sex with someone, but it's not insulting. (And apparently he later has a real relationship.)

The episode ends with JJ's mom watching the two friends talking and laughing together, and realizing that she doesn't need to worry about him--which was one of the things he most wanted. And then I almost cried. It was so good. I just like, couldn't even handle it, from a gay or an Autistic perspective. Emily and JJ were, like, humans!

Like, if I can put on my other hat--as a person who's gay in a weird way--I really appreciated this. I feel like if people think a lesbian sleeping with men is just inherently offensive no matter what, then they don't understand what's so offensive about most "lesbians sleeping with men" plotlines. I feel like the problem is the implication that men trump women--so women can be involved with women, have sex or even a relationship, and they can even identify as gay or bi--but a guy can change everything, or a guy is the root of everything. For example, my understanding is that on House a female character was having sex with random women because she was depressed, and afraid of a relationship with a guy she liked. This obviously devalues sex/relationships between women because it's just presented as something you do, not something important like heterosexual relationships.

But what happens on Skins is basically the opposite of this. Emily is in love with a girl, she has sex with JJ as a gesture of friendship, and at the end of the episode she's still in love with her girlfriend. It shows that lesbian feelings can be secure and stable and aren't completely dislodged the minute you get the chance to sleep with a guy.

Like, I guess I'm gold star because I've never had sex with a guy, but I feel very un-gold star sometimes because I've had so many really close, affectionate friendships with guys, which have sometimes had a sexual dimension. These guys have always thought of me as gay and I've always known when involved in these friendships that if I get married I want it to be to a woman, and that when I'm sexually moved by something involving a guy, it's in spite of the fact that he's a guy which tends to mean my reactions are weaker.

To try to explain the sex thing without being too explicit, guys are like a bunch of grapes or some Easy Mac or something. I mean I love Easy Mac, but it's not a whole meal. And I don't think the fact that guys are sexual Easy Mac to me (instead of some disgusting food that I would never eat in any circumstances) makes me any less of a lesbian. I'm sorry but it's completely heterosexist to say that my feelings towards guys are on the same level as my feelings towards girls. If you say that, it's like you're saying men are just so super important that the weight of anything involving men gets multiplied by a billion so that it automatically outweighs anything involving just women.

Yeah so anyway I really liked this episode of Skins and I think it's awesome that they showed a lesbian doing stuff with a guy and still very much being a lesbian. And it was the Best Autism Ever. And I'm excited to watch more.

so good

me: Liam, my mom's friend told me to date you
it was so awful
she was like "Amanda, you seem to be friends with a lot of boys, why don't you consider dating them"
Liam: whaaat?
oh no
me: and I was like "no thanks, I'm not interested in boys that way" and she was like "no relationship is perfect"
she was like "when you were talking about your friend Liam your face just lit up"
I was like "that's because I was talking about Christian the lion"
Liam: haha
me: I think she was excited because she's Irish
she got excited about your name
then when she left she was like "say hi to Liam"
Liam: oh no that is so weird
me: I knowww
so weird
and I kept trying to argue
Liam: im sorry indirectly
me: oh no I mean I think it's really funny
don't be sorry
I was like "the reason I don't get along with girls is because I like them, if I liked guys I wouldn't get along with guys. like when I was younger and didn't know I was gay I used to be like 'it would be so easy if I was gay, girls are so easy to talk to'"
and then she was like, "so being gay seemed like an escape from your problems!!"
Liam: :(
me: no it was classic
I love old people
Liam: haha
oh man
what are they trying to accomplish?
me: I don't know
who will ever know

affectionate disability issues

The Joe and Amanda Adventure wasn't one, because Joe wasn't as smiley as last week, and the teachers said that all the kids were in a bad mood because it was the day after their field trip. Something else interesting happened, though. After circle time, the teacher dimmed the lights (which for some reason resulted in Joe yelling) and put on some quiet music and had the ambulatory kids sit on beanbags, and picked up Joe and put him on a beanbag. She laughed and said, "It's really more for my benefit than theirs."

There is a kid in the class named Zach who frequently cries and seems angry. I don't know what his disability is but it's the kind of thing where if I was more educated I'd probably be able to tell. He's very small, uses a wheelchair, and has a really small, short face and small eyes. I like Zach because he's always trying to take off his shoe so he can stim by waving his sock in front of his face. Today I think he seemed interested in my presence when I showed up in the middle of their gym class, he was kind of looking at me and clapping and stuff.

But yeah, he was making a lot of noise after the teacher had dimmed the lights, and she picked him up out of his wheelchair and put him on the floor. I couldn't tell if she did this as a punishment, or just because she thought it was more appropriate for what was supposed to be a relaxing time. I feel like if she was trying to relax him she would have put him on a beanbag. I just thought it was sort of weird.

Zach crawled over to me where I was sitting in a chair. He took hold of my arms and with my help lifted himself into a standing position. Then he sort of turned so I was holding him in my lap. I sort of hugged him, but I felt weird about it because he's fourteen. When I first met him I thought he was seven or eight at the oldest, and I wouldn't have reacted that way, but I just wasn't sure if it had different connotations given how old he is, so I sort of made him sit back down on the floor.

Then he crawled over to the other side of the room where his teacher had put his wheelchair, and I got up and went with him. Zach was sitting next to the wheelchair and touching it. He reached out to me and looked at the wheelchair. I felt really bad because it seemed like he wasn't comfortable not being in the wheelchair and was hoping that I would help him (I may be totally projecting, but I don't know why else he would crawl away to the corner of the room if not to be near his wheelchair). I quietly talked to him and told him that he couldn't go in his wheelchair yet but would probably get to be in it again after the class finished listening to music. I don't remember what else I said.

Anyway, he started kind of having me pull him into a standing position, and then he basically put his arms around me, and I was sort of holding him (I was kneeling, I think), and he had his face pretty close to mine and I think might have been trying to kiss me--I got a bit of an impression of that, at least, so I kept turning my head away.

Now that I write this out, it sounds a lot weirder than I thought it was at the time. I mean, from a little kid I wouldn't think it was weird. I also know some intellectually disabled people who are very physically affectionate with people they don't know well, and it doesn't bother me at all, I think it's awesome. But because I'm confused about what the nature of Zach's disability is, I didn't know how to react, whether to classify him as the kind of person from whom such a display would be cute.

I'm thinking about this more and thinking about what hugging and kissing means, and what it means to define someone as the kind of person from whom hugging and kissing is cute, and the kind of person from whom it's inappropriate. I'm not sure it even makes sense for me to act as if there are people who are always allowed to do it and people who always aren't. I met an intellectually disabled guy who, when meeting women who were wearing low-cut shirts, would take both their hands and shake them up and down, staring at their breasts--his way of greeting people obviously wasn't "cute," and he was rather creepily taking advantage of the fact that people were going to perceive physical contact from him as "cute" rather than as sexual. Another intellectually disabled person actually had to explain to my friend why she shouldn't let Adam shake her hand. On the other hand, I know a woman named Andrea who likes to hug and kiss people, especially people she's seen before, and it doesn't strike me as creepy. But it's theoretically possible that Andrea is doing this for sexual reasons, whether or not she's aware of it. But I just assume she's not. I'm not saying Andrea doesn't have a sex drive, but just that this particular action of hers isn't necessarily sexual, and it doesn't seem obviously sexual to me.

If a fourteen-year-old boy who didn't have a disability started hugging me and climbing up on me, I would absolutely not be okay with it. But let's say, even, that Zach has absolutely no intellectual disability at all, but just can't communicate--well, that still means he's had a hugely different life from the average boy his age. And the reason I'd be upset by the average boy his age doing that is not because I think every single thing a fourteen-year-old boy does is sexual, but because the average fourteen-year-old boy will be trained to think of that as sexual and inappropriate behavior, so if he's doing that, it's almost an act of violence and it's definitely disrespectful. I don't know if, out of that context, it is inappropriate.

And besides, my example of Adam shows that an intellectually disabled person can be creepy as fuck, so then can't the opposite also be true? Why does Zach have to be intellectually disabled for this to be okay?

I know it seems like I'm weirdly invested in arguing that it's okay for Zach to hug me. I think it's because platonic physical affection is a major part of my life and my identity. I used to call myself "heteroaffectionate," meaning I fall in love with guys (I'm not sexually attracted to guys, for those keeping track). Basically, I've had several male friends with whom I'd hold hands, spoon/sleep in the same bed, and just do sort of semi-ironic things, like kissing each other on the top of the head, being each other's Valentine, etc. And I can be really intense about these guys.

I'm not really heteroaffectionate to be honest; it's not like I actually don't have any romantic feelings for girls. That's kind of a joke. But because I don't really date, I've had to figure out that there are a lot of other ways of being close to people and caring about them, and I really don't like the idea that you can only be close to someone you're in a sexual relationship with (which is an impression I get from some straight girls I know). It's really weird for me in the early stages of friendships, sometimes, because I might not know if the guy knows I'm gay, or even if he does, I'm afraid that when I do things that are seen as too romantic, he might not know what to make of it. So I guess this is why I sort of jumped on my reaction of "oh shit, I don't know if Zach should be hugging me"--because I know from experience that lots and lots of kinds of affection are not about sex.

I mean, yeah, he may be a creeper (or an unconscious creeper, who doesn't get that he's being creepy, but is nonetheless hugging me for a sexual reason). But he also might not even like girls, or like anyone. Or maybe I'm not the kind of girl he's attracted to. There are all kinds of nonsexual reasons for Zach to try to get me to hold him--sensory needs, platonic affection, a desire to feel more high up and secure like he does in his wheelchair.

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I sometimes feel that assuming disabled people are always being sexual doesn't make any more sense than assuming that we never are.

P.S. I got to see Shawna, who is a little girl with autism and mental illness who I met two years ago, who was one of the first DD people I ever met. Well, she's not so little anymore, she's eleven, and she's really tall. She was just standing around near the gates of the gym so I went up and talked to her and put out my hand, and she held my hand and reached out and touched my collar, which I recall she does a lot. She was saying something she maybe used to say, that sounds like "walking, walking, walking" or maybe "wanting, wanting, wanting"--but after a minute one of her teachers told her to come away from the gates.