21 January, 2010

I cut my hair and it looks PHENOMENAL

(it's in a ponytail, I didn't cut off the back)

I mean, it's not super brilliant and accurate, but I'm really glad I started cutting it. I don't always do it myself but I have been doing it myself most of the time for about a year, and this means not having to wait for things, or rely on other people, or sit still, or put my head next to something loud. And all those things amount to HEAVEN.

Anyway, this summer I had a blog that I was using to keep track of what I ate, but because it was a new blog I got overexcited and would post these really detailed and thought-out posts about music and ASD. I've had a livejournal since I was 14, but I tend to post whatever comes to mind and not really work hard on it. So my blog this summer ended up being kind of the beginning of this blog. And I found this post that I think is good:

I kind of hope I marry another person with ASD. In my very very brief relationship experience I've always felt like a curiosity at best. It's been like I'm this CUTE THING. Which is sort of how I get along in life, because I don't process information very fast etc., so a person has to think I'm cute or they get frustrated with me. It does serve me well, but it also makes me angry if a person and I actually become good friends, or something else, and that's still what they think of me. I'll just come out and say it: I think I'm really smart--in terms of the way my brain actually moves, not necessarily in a way that other people can see on a regular basis. And although I'm not a good musician technically, I think I'm good at the kind of music I do.

So here are things that don't work: people not thinking my music is good--like, it's fine if they don't like it for a good reason (RL told me in detail why he didn't like it, and I really enjoyed that), but I feel like people just IGNORE the fact that I'm a good writer and singer and have good melodies, because it's childlike. And, people not thinking I'm smart. People being really fucking surprised that I know what things are.

Also, people thinking that I can't handle myself and they need to like comfort me or make decisions for me. I consider myself a moral person and all but that doesn't mean I like all that lesbian shit, like epic amounts of cuddling and holding hands and no snark. OR GETTING ENCOURAGED TO ACT MORE CONFIDENT. I process stuff really slowly. I pick up on things really badly. It's a legit thing about how my brain works and my anxious affect is a)perfectly justified, and b)a pretty good defense mechanism so people know what to expect.

Or people acting really shocked and horrified when I get angry. I mean, I think my anger is possibly more disturbing than other people's anger because it's so straightforward; that makes sense. Even when I intensely express my opinions about something, some people have a really negative reaction because I guess I look so serious, even though I'm usually happy when I'm talking about something like that. Plus, I'm sure it's even worse after all the CUTE--it probably feels like a betrayal or something, this CUTE THING suddenly speaking loudly and not smiling and demanding to be listened to. So. Fucking. Boring.

The way it is is that I'm really all those things. A lot of ASD people are. There's the childlike stuff, the jumping around and spaciness and innocence, which I wouldn't want someone to try to coach me out of, and it's cool if you DO think that's cute, but then there's also the "bad"/guy-ish stuff, the devoting myself to projects for four or five hours without a break, the getting overwhelmed and not liking surprises, the very harsh-looking reaction when I hear or see something that I think is wrong. Anyway, I want to be with a person who likes/understands all that stuff. And I want to do the same for her.


  1. Yay for straightforward anger!

    And I love your eyes with that haircut.

  2. Not that one can generalize from a specific case and I've only got my own experiences to draw on here. But! I strongly suspect I am somewhere on the spectrum; I identify as lesbian; and I'm married to a neurotypical woman. It'll be five years married in May; we've been together eight or nine years. Just in case what follows makes it sounds like I'm not happy in my marriage: I am. I love my wife and I like her and we get along well much of the time. A lot of the things you mention are things we've had to work on.

    There is a certain amount of cuddling and handholding but I wouldn't call it epic. There is SO. MUCH. SNARK. We are seriously snarky people. (Though I've been asked to snark at TV shows only during commercial breaks. Which seems a reasonable enough compromise.) She did have trouble with my anger; she's said I go from just peachy to INFERNO OF RAGE very fast and it can be scary. It took a long time to get her to understand that I really don't like surprises even if they're nice things. She's getting better about asking me if I'm upset with her (instead of just assuming I am) when I look upset or unhappy.

    So yeah. We do a lot of explaining things to each other and sometimes it does get tiring. I don't know if it'd be easier if I were in a relationship with someone who was also autistic; I've never been in a relationship with anyone who was.

    I don't have any answers for you; I just wanted to say you weren't wrong for wondering about this.