05 November, 2009

I wish I could do things that people ask me to do, but I just can't.

I have this flatmate who is really nice to talk to because she gets really excited about things. She plays the saxophone and she is going tonight to see her saxophone teacher, who she idolizes, play at a jazz bar. She asked everyone in the flat if they wanted to come and I said that I might like to. I sort of forgot about it, but tonight she came and asked me if I was coming.

The thing is, I am the only person who would be going, so I would never feel like I had social downtime, and I'd have to worry about talking to her appropriately for the entire time (actually that isn't true, because we would be listening/watching, not talking, but I would still worry if I was doing the right thing). And, even if I had felt totally confident, it's a little difficult for me to suddenly decide that I am going to do something different from what I was planning on doing before (basically, reading and writing and then going to sleep). Also I might get fidgety/bored. We would be there for three and a half hours.

So I basically said that although I was interested to go sometime because she always talks about jazz bars so excitedly, I am sort of tired and had already gotten used to the idea that I was just going to sit around in my room all night. As soon as I closed the door I started talking to myself. I talk to myself a lot here, because it seems like the best way of expressing the sentiment, "I really fucking wish I'd done something different, but I just couldn't have."

Although, one thing I could have done differently: I guess I should have pretended to have a lot of homework that I absolutely had to do, because maybe it came off like I was just making up an excuse. I guess I was making up an excuse, sort of; I just frequently really don't want to do things that involve going somewhere, especially with one other person, for a long period of time, and I need tons of time to psych myself up for it.

And when I say "one other person," I don't mean any of my good friends at home. It is easy to do things with them because I can just act like myself.


  1. I feel ya. I would have said that I had homework but that is because if I am not a complete people pleaser than I come across as a bitch, there is no happy medium. I try not to plan things because it's easier for me to handle the stress of random events than handling the stress of a set plan changing. Either way there is stress, but I do try to minimize it. I think it's comical when people ask, has there been any stress in your life? Because to me it's a non-question, I am stressed every day.

  2. At my regular school, there really isn't stress in my life every day. I don't think I realized how much I love it there until I've been here. It's killing me to think I wasted a whole term that I could have spent there being here instead. I almost hope I fail a class so I have to do an extra term of college, and I know that's a bad thing to hope for, but I do. I just can't believe my time there is more than half over now.